The mind is very complex. When faced with the same adversity, different people will react in different ways. Some are able to face and overcome the obstacle. Others retreat and build up barriers and defenses.
This will come as quite a surprise to some, but Marc and I have faced several challenges this year. It was actually the reason for my “hiatus”. Let’s just say there has been something missing from our relationship and the spark that we had almost disappeared.
It seems we both have problems to deal with, but coming very apparent in recent sessions with our psychologist that I have some major issues to deal with. During yesterday’s session, we figured out the cause, or what may be a major contributing factor. It seems that I have built up some pretty big walls and defense mechanisms to stop myself from feeling hurt. Instead of facing my problems, I retreat and try and ignore it.
Fayth passed away on 2 May 2007. That was one month before our wedding and probably when most of my problems started. Though, little did I realize at the time. I cried yesterday like I had not done in a long time. Today, I still feel quite sad and ache for what was lost. I watched my friends with their guide dogs, but could not bring myself to greet them like I usually do.
I spent most of yesterday and today thinking back and remembering what I had long forgotten. How she slowed down after moving to Johannesburg. How we thought it was old age, but in retrospect, after her death, how it might have been the cancer.
I realized that I had not gone through the doors past the sweet shop since Fayth passed. Marc said that it was because I no longer had a reason to, since I only went that way to take Fayth for her daily business. Actually, I don’t want to see where we used to spend our lunch hours. Where she used to walk along the wall so that I could reach and tie her jacket. Driving past is one thing, but to go through those doors and sit there and remember is something else.
I was sitting with Porcia and we were talking about how she first saw me walking the corridors with Fayth. She said how she noticed that I was always touching her and petting her as we walked. She said that she could see how Fayth was more than just a dog, she was my best friend too.
And now, she is gone and I still miss her so badly …