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They say that alcoholics can suffer from blackouts. Minutes to hours at a time with no recollection of what happened. Amnesia is a condition where memory is lost (Wiki). Do sleepwalkers also have gaps in their memory?

Personally, I have never wanted to experience memory loss, but at the same time, I just wish I could put last year’s events behind me, forget about them and move on.

The room is dark as you lean back and rest your head upon the pillow. You can see faint shadows of objects around your room as you close your eyes and will your body to sleep. Unasked, that creature in the back of your mind, called Thought, arises from slumber. Freed from the cage that it paced restlessly as you went about your daily tasks, it begins to explore. It begins slowly at first and you hope that it remains weary and slumbers.

Alas, the beast has awoken and found a road less traveled in the memories of your mind. The path is overgrown, dark and scary, but Thought pushes on, heedless of the branches slapping past and thorns grazing the skin.  Snuffling here and checking a rock over there. Finally it tires of the game and returns to his cage, allowing you the peace you desperately seek.

That was basically me last night, trying to fall asleep. Unbidden, my mind dredged up memories that I would prefer to remain buried. Memories of days alone. Crying myself to sleep at night. Getting drunk on the odd occasion.

Watching as he held her hand instead of mine. Feeling like I did not belong. Feeling  so alone. Wondering what I did that I should feel so rejected. Being told that I was loved, but wondering if I should believe. Being told that he left her for me, but still not believing.

Knowing that my marriage was falling apart and having no idea how to set it right. Functioning for days and weeks at a time on instinct alone because my mind just could not think straight.

But 2010 is a new year with new beginnings. My divorce is finalized. A week today is the final court date. If only unwanted memories would remain buried …

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