Or should this entry be more aptly entitled, “Understanding the hurt” ?
What started out as some light-hearted banter between good friends, suddenly did an about turn as the topic drifted into what I discovered was uncomfortable territory.
I don’t want to go into too much detail, firstly because it’s personal, and secondly, this is not an age-restricted blog.
If you are a married couple, where do you draw the line? If your partner says no, do you accept it and drop the topic? Or do you push and push, literally every day with hints that are not always so subtle, hoping they will give in and let you have your wish. Even if it means destroying a moral, value or principle?
It seems like all my recent blog entries are somehow related. It also would not surprise me if someone left a comment suggesting that I seek professional help after going through so much in the past year. Some of it all might have been way more than a year.
It all contributed, though, to why I could not let the marriage continue. As mentioned in the last entry, money helped put up a good facade, but end of the day, it was those warm fuzzy feelings that were few and far between, and just no longer felt genuine.
It was that constant push to grant that wish. It was the constant desire for intimacy, too, that I just could not handle. It became too much. Boundaries became blurred. I never knew when to say no. When I did, it was like an insult. Rejection. Imagine how confused, hurt and sad I felt. It was like a subtle mind game, just to keep him happy.
This was not restricted to the bedroom. Any kind of affection was a type of foreplay to him. I would prefer to watch TV sitting in my wheelchair rather than sit next to him on the couch. Or I had no interest in television at all. I retreated to my computer, because there, at least, I felt safe.
But then, he tried to restrict my time there as well. Anything to get me to spend more time with him. What had been a slow process over the years, suddenly accelerated, as I withdrew more from my online friends and tried to shield myself from the hurt and anxiety that I did not understand. It was a vicious circle with the choke hold getting tighter and tighter.
Somewhere, in between all of this, was the affair, the swinging, and other ideas that he had to try improve our marriage.
And the games. Deliberate or otherwise. Like packing a bag and leaving me. Telling me I’d never see him again. Then keeping up the pressure for two whole days for me to take him back, when he was the one that walked out. Of course, I did. My mind was not functioning. I did not know what I was doing.
Then we began seeing a marriage counselor. Very quickly, they established that I was the one with a problem. I had withdrawn my affection from my husband since Fayth passed away. Somewhere along the way, the penny dropped. I was not the one with a problem. He was. Yet they could not see this. It was only me with the issues. Little by little , I knew I had to get out of there. For my very sanity.
How was I to escape, though, when he was trying his best to keep the woman he apparently loved in his life? When the harder he tried, the more he was killing what little grip I had left on my sanity. I wanted to file for a protection order, and file for divorce, but no chance he would take me to the offices. Who else did I have to turn to?
Finally, I phoned my brother. I told him that I needed him. There was no way I could do this by myself.
That phone call started the road to recovery. All I can say now is, thank God it is all behind me.