Can’t really say, “Perceptions of me” because this is the physical me that I am talking about now.
This is a bunch of thoughts that have flitted through my mind in various forms over the years and once again, now that I am single, the thoughts are back. I have learned a bit, but still feel horribly inexperienced.
I grew up not understanding much about intimacy between the genders. I could never understand the Hollywood hype either. I guess not having a boyfriend during school years can do that. I grew up wanting someone who loved me for me. To hold me, care for me. Just love me for who I was. Back then, I maintained that it did not matter where my man got his sex, so long as he came home to me at night.
Yeah, really stupid.
I don’t have those thoughts any more. Marriage has taught me a lot. It’s opened me up to a whole new understanding of relationships between a man and a woman.
I have no regrets about my divorce, but I am older now. I have a better understanding. I think, or hope, I know what I want this time round. But with those thoughts come those nagging little doubts. I’m in a wheelchair. I’m not that attractive. I have a skin problem. This, that, the next thing. Who would want to go out with me?
Like I said, I had thoughts like that when I was younger too. But something would always happen to lift my spirits and renew my faith that there was someone out there waiting for me. Like a lunch date on the beachfront with someone who was a bit older than me, and a good friend, who I never thought would accept when I asked him.
Now that I’m back in the game, so to speak, it’s a challenge. Daunting. Scary. Once again those thoughts are dogging my heels, but yet again, I have little things happening which are encouraging and keep me going. Like something a friend said to me yesterday. He was a perfect gentleman on the night in question and I didn’t get to know this until a month or so later. He had started the evening thinking of me as a friend, but had circumstances been different, the evening would not have had the same ending …