My sleeping pattern has gone for a loop. It’s not been right for a while, and just seems to be getting worse. Truth be told, I just don’t like going to bed. As time passes, I am enjoying an empty bed less and less.
I know I’ve not been writing in ages. I wanted a break, and did not have much to write about, and then I just got lazy. The urge to write is getting stronger again, as does the need to put recent events into perspective.
I have always been a chatter. I started in 1997 and don’t think I will ever stop. Much as it gets me down sometimes, I have too many friends from chat to leave it behind.
I met him on chat two or three years ago. Strangely enough, I cannot find (chat) logs to say for certain when and how we got to know each other. Last year was a nightmare for both of us, for different reasons. I shut him out because I could not help him with his problems while I had so many of my own. I cannot tell you why I did not get hold of him before last Monday either.
I was in an extremely good mood when I saw him online. Somehow, it came into conversation that he lived very close to where I now stayed. Well, that was it, I had to meet him. I came across a bit too strongly, though, being as cheerful as I was and he put off the visit until Tuesday.
We had a blast and I just went from one high to the next. He had a bit too much to drink and ended up sleeping over. I did not sleep much. It felt so strange sharing bed space again. But it felt so good too. There I was, spending time with someone that I wanted to be with and I did not want to miss a thing.
From Thursday, I began to come down from my “high”. Reality set in and I began to put things into perspective. Some feelings did not, and still have not, changed though.
He is a wonderful and caring individual. He does things for me that I have never felt before. I have never looked at a guy and felt attraction before. I have never wanted to spend time with a guy before. I don’t care about my computer. I don’t try and shut him out. I want to fall asleep next to him. I want to roll towards him, not away.
The sad part is that we both know it cannot last. He plans to leave South Africa within a few months. He does not want to get hurt. Neither do I. Knowing that he is leaving has probably prevented those “warm and fuzzy” feelings from developing. But it has not stopped me from wanting to spend time with him.
I do not want to question anything about what is happening. I feel so comfortable around him. I am not asking myself why. What makes me worthy. Why am I so special? Nor am I worried about what he may say behind my back. I know he won’t. I don’t even use my computer as a defense mechanism. I care even less about the future. All I know is that right now, I have something special happening, which will end sooner than I want it to…
“Yesterday’s the past and tomorrow’s the future. Today is a gift – which is why they call it the present.”
– Bill Keane