I thought I had written my last blog entry earlier than I did. It sure feels a lot longer than a mere five days that have passed.
A few days of last week were spent on an incredibly low note. I was reminded again that he wanted to keep things as friends. Keep it all so simple, because it could not last. There was me saying, forget about the future and enjoy the here and now.
So easy to say. Not so easy to do. I wanted him in ways he was not prepared to give. Last week, that message came crashing home. I don’t think he realized how it got to me as reality set in. How successful I was in hiding it from him, I don’t know.
Why can’t we enjoy things for what they are? Two friends enjoying each other’s company. Having a few drinks. Playing computer games. Talking about anything and everything. Why do emotions have to get involved? Why do things have to get complicated?
I’d like to think that this week, my mind is in a better space. That I am more willing to accept that he is leaving soon. That he does not want to complicate things. But I find it hard. The chats we have online. Just the way he looks at me when we’re together. I find it hard to keep things in check. Most of the time, it is just mischievous talk, but there is still that hint of truth. The hint, that given half a chance, something more could happen.
One thing is for sure, we are good for each other. Maybe I am doing more good for him, than he is for me. I have shown him that he is worth something. Not everyone is out there to bring him down. He does have good qualities. Maybe people have noticed them before. But nobody has taken the time to compliment him.
It is late. My defenses are low. In the light of day, it is easy to say that we’re just friends. As darkness sets in, it becomes harder to deny that he has had such a profound impact on my life …