I know I have not written in my blog lately. It got off to such a great start and somehow derailed along the way.
Two weeks ago, I was told that my grandmother was in hospital, in Britain, on a machine which was helping her heart beat. The next day, she had heart bypass surgery and passed away due to complications. I miss her so much.
I feel so alone right now. I am surrounded by friends, but still feel alone. My family are scattered across the country, and my parents are in Britain. Traveling right now is not an option due to this problem with my spinal chord.
Online support only goes so far.
There is one person whose company I crave right now. But to invite him back into my life will only bring complications that I do not want or need. How can I invite him back when I cannot forgive the reasons I cut him off in the first place?
I won’t go into detail, how little by little, he pushed me out of his life. How I had to squash all feelings of desire in case I “drove him out of my life as well as out of my bed” (sic). How he pushed me away little by little because I could no longer afford to buy him things and saw the friendship for what it was. Convenience. Until two final arguments, where I still could not bring myself to belittle or bring him down in any way, drove the final wedge home, ending it all for good.
To this day, I don’t think he realizes why I cut him off so suddenly and so completely. Even if he were to go back into his chat logs now and read all the hurtful things he said, I still could not forgive him. Some words you just cannot take back.
Yet, I still find myself wanting his presence, his comforting touch. It is like looking through a window at a life that I cannot have.
And that is why I cry. I miss him. I miss my family. I am so tired of the tightness in my muscles. Every movement feeling like my back is in a vice.
Yes, today I am feeling down. But tomorrow, I will get up. I will smile and I will enjoy myself. Life still carries on.