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I am not doing myself any good by avoiding the subject. It is 05:30 in the morning and I have been awake for who knows how long already. An hour at least. I should know by now, that going back to sleep is impossible. The closer it gets, the worse I worry.

This time, it is finally happening. Barring any complications. But there should not be any. We are getting things organized well ahead of time. On Wednesday, I have the surgery to drain this cavity in my neck.

And, I am scared.

I already know that I cannot expect to regain all the mobility that I have lost. But beyond that, I know nothing. My biggest fear is waking up after the surgery, not able to move at all. That something went wrong and I become totally paralyzed.

But I should realize that it may be a temporary reality. They are operating on my neck. Surely the area will become inflamed? Maybe temporary swelling?

I know I should not panic, but already, I am. I do not sleep well. I am short on patience and easily irritated. Maybe it’s something I ate, but today, I woke up sick to my stomach. I can already tell today is not going to be a good day.