Last night saw me realize that i have a few unresolved issues, dating back to before I got divorced. Wonder if it may be an underlying cause to my quick temper and lack of patience.
As you know from one of few recent blog entries, I had surgery on my neck. I had a fluid cavity in my spinal cord. Doctors inserted a shunt into my spinal cord, with a tube running over my shoulder, into my abdominal cavity. This ensures that the fluid does not build up again.
i have been in hospital, and rehab, for the past two months. I have had countless people wanting to get to know me. Inevitably, they want to know why I got divorced. I try to gloss over it, going into as little detail as possible. Try to make it seem like talking about it has little effect on me.
But it does. Some little memory pops up.
Then, as part of rehab, I went to see a shrink. It’s been 2-3 sessions now. She knows mostly a general history, I think, but last time, we started tackling some things that were troubling me. My generous nature. How people seemed to take, but not want to give back in return. Especially when all I really wanted was their time.
Hercie has been one of very few true friends. We got talking on Saturday, which for the most part I really enjoyed. But one comment found me biting back an angry retort. She told me that she was worried about me. She thought I had lost my way, and had no relationship with God.
Last night, I was talking to one of the nurses, Faith, as I got into bed. She had seen a picture of me and my brother, Andrew, with Yanky. I explained that the picture was taken at the place I had moved to, after my divorce.
Pieces suddenly began falling into place as buried memories surfaced. And with it, blind anger. It took over two hours of listening to some hard rock music before I was able to go to sleep.
Back were all those memories of that woman who initiated the decline of my marriage, and my near total mental breakdown. Only this time, I was able to feel anger. Back then, I was numb, not understanding and unable to really process what was happening.
What a hypocritical, bible-thumping, adulterous female she was. She had told me that any woman’s husband could lie naked on her couch and she would not touch them. There she was watching religious shows on TV while asking me how I could allow it to happen. There she was with two toddlers, taking a married man to her bed. There I was, sleeping on that afore-mentioned couch.
i don’t want to go back and change anything. But heaven help if I ever see her again. I saw her once in a local shopping center. Our eyes met before I looked away and continued home. She did not follow, or try contact me.
My only wish is that I could somehow take and protect her youngest daughter from the strange, hypocritical, paranoid woman that her mother was. At only a year old, she still had that pure innocence that anybody loves in a child. She was always happy, and never a problem child. I have never wanted children, but I would have gladly adopted her. For me to say that, you must know she was a special child.
It's my life ... 